The Pain of Transformation
The process of transforming, healing, and becoming more of yourSelf is beautiful, joyful and profound - and it’s often difficult, uncomfortable, and filled with unexpected pain.
As you become more comfortable speaking your truth, there is also hurt when some people are triggered by you, jealous of you, and misunderstand you.
As you become more of your true Self, there is also sadness that some people you care for deeply are no longer able to see you and meet you in this version of you.
As you’re more able to recognize unhealthy patterns in yourself and in your relationships, there is also discomfort in holding your loving boundaries, especially when those boundaries hurt or disappoint someone you love.
As you become able to hold greater amounts of energy, creativity, and capability, there is also fear that you’re not worthy of it, that you can’t handle it, that have to “keep up” or it’ll all disappear.
As you increase your capacity to call in aligned opportunities, there is also the challenge of increased responsibility to and within those opportunities.
As you learn to rest more in trust, there is still grief when you didn’t receive the outcome you hoped for.
As you clear space and let go of what’s no longer right for you, there is also discomfort as you sit in the emptiness and darkness of the unknown.
It’s important to normalize ALL aspects of transformation - the more we acknowledge and let ourselves feel the pain of it, the more we can open to the immense joy, beauty, and power this journey holds.
To Live is to Grieve
To be alive is to live with grief.
Grief that time passes like sand between our fingers, that yesterday will never return.
Grief as we slowly watch ourselves getting older, looking back on parts of our lives we can never get back.
Grief for moments we can relive only in our memory.
Grief for the choices we made, which inevitably created choices we left behind.
Grief for desires and dreams not yet realized, that may never be realized.
Grief for the ways of living we’ve forgotten, that have been forcibly stripped from the cultures who carried them.
Grief for our separation and isolation - our separation from the Earth, from each other, from the other plant and animal life on this planet, from something greater than us.
Grief for the unprocessed pain and trauma, individually and as a collective, that will never be healed.
Grief for the violence perpetrated against each other and against our planet.
Grief for the people we’ve lost and the people we never had a chance to fully know.
Grief for all we didn’t get as children, and for all our ancestors didn’t get in their lives.
Grief for the tears of Mother Earth as we’ve used and abused her without a second thought.
Grief for being disconnected from our bodies, from being conditioned to despise them and ignore the infinite wisdom we hold within ourselves.
Grief for the way we live now, in isolated plastic boxes with so much of what we don’t need and not enough of what we do - true connection to ourselves, each other, all life on this planet, and to the energy that connects us all.
And yet…
the capacity for true connection to ourselves and everything around us is still there.
Some of us are waking up and slowly, painfully, remembering. It’s hard work to remember, because to remember is to feel the vast oceans of grief we couldn’t feel before.
Sometimes it feels exhausting to reclaim, to feel, to remember and reconnect to all that we’ve lost.
With all of this to grieve, it’s no wonder we live so disconnected from ourselves. To grieve and remember is overwhelming.
It’s no wonder we work so hard, distracting ourselves into forgetting.
It’s no wonder we fill our days with endless tasks and meaningless conversation.
It’s painful to remember.
It’s painful to feel all of the grief that was never felt.
It isn’t quick, it isn’t easy.
It’s a life’s work, and it will never be complete.
All we can do is surrender to it. Feel it when it comes. Let the sadness wash over us and ride the wave.
Let it move us. Scream and cry.
Let it move through us. And welcome it.
It’s part of us.
It’s part of life.
It’s here to stay.
To be alive is to live with grief.
To learn to let it seep into our very bones, to weave into the fabric of our lives.
To recognize that it’s part of us.
To live fully with our grief
is to live a full and beautiful life.
Overflow 🌼
The overflow comes
from wells deep within
from watering our inner garden
from tending the soils of struggle, joy, and pain
The overflow comes
from this careful cultivation
when we plant roots
when we speak from solid ground
when we surrender control
and remember
that we are enough
even when nothing
is yet growing
The overflow comes
when we release expectation
when we pull the weeds of our conditioning
when we plant seeds of joy, play and creation
when we feed the fertile soil
with sweat, tears, triumphs
and trust
when we let go of the timing
for we know the moment’s coming
and before we know it
the garden within
is slowly b l o o m i n g
I'll Never Lose Me
What do I have to lose?
I can lose my body
it ages, scars, wrinkles, burns
it laughs, shakes, screams, learns
I am here
I am alive
my body reminds me
I can lose blood, skin
flesh, bone
I can lose my mind
I can lose track of time
I can lose every single thing I find
but I can never lose home
I can lose sleep
I can rage and laugh and weep
but the one thing I’ll never lose
is me
for I am body, yes
I am human
imperfect, impermanent
here for a moment
gone before we know it
but I am so much more
I am soul, I am Spirit
I am Earth, I am Ether
I’m the sun, stars, and trees
I can lose almost everything
but I’ll never lose me
Creating Safety Within
True, authentic, open-hearted embodied expression first requires safety within.
It requires that you’ve built solid ground beneath you - a foundation you can return to when creating, sharing, and expressing yourself vulnerably inevitably brings fear, doubt, disappointment, and the projections of others.
There are so many ways to create safety within the Self. None are easy. None are quick fixes.
My path to creating more safety within myself these past few years has looked like:
walking through the depths of despair, panic, and the deepest grief
leaning on friends more than I ever have before and allowing them to truly see + support me
having difficult conversations when I was terrified to do so, speaking my truth, and lovingly setting boundaries
working with healers, therapists and coaches who have reflected my own strength back to me
coming back to breathwork and allowing the breath to clear trauma from the body
daily solo tea ceremonies in silence and devotion to Spirit
plant medicine ceremonies and deep somatic purges while sobbing, screaming and shaking
daily walks
deep, gut-shaking belly laughter
listening to my body and the limits of my energy
gently expanding my capacity to sit with my discomfort
gently expanding my capacity to allow the discomfort of others rather than rushing in to save, fix or people-please
releasing shame and accessing more pleasure and desire than I ever thought possible
and much more
All of this has led me here. To authentic, embodied expression.
Full of Myself
Full of myself
my essence
my energy
my aliveness
taking up s p a c e
full of joy
full of rage
full of peace
full of prayer
fierce
wild
feminine
full of myself
and f r e e
Solid Ground
Speak from solid ground.
You will stumble.
You will fall.
But you will come back to you heart.
Over and over.
Let your heart lead.
Let your heart lead.
Let your heart lead.
The Jungle Can Hold It All
The jungle can hold it all
It bursts and sways with
the exquisite dance of life
Monkeys play, wild and free
filling up from branches
pregnant with fruit
Insects sing a nightly lullaby
A magical chorus
of jungle medicine
The jungle holds joy and bliss
And it also holds fear, pain and death
A baby bird flies home to the Spirit realms
Too precious for this life
Where there is light
There is also darkness
Our tears remind us
of the duality of our Earth experience
The Earth can hold it all
Get still, listen
Feel the infinite abundance
of these ancient trees and plants
that grew well before we were here
and will be here long after we’re gone
But this land will remember us
Our love, our pain,
Our grief, our rage
Our dreams, our devotion
to dancing with the mystery of life
while we still have breath
savoring the nectar
of each precious moment
We can hold it all
Creating from the Overflow
I used to always feel like I needed more. More clients, more followers, more signups on my offerings. Now, I am so filled up with my own enoughness that I am creating, sharing, and expressing myself from pure overflow rather than from a need for my creations to validate me, perform for me, or bring me anything in return.
The energy I’m creating from and sharing from now is just plain different. It’s bigger. It’s truer. It’s freer. It comes from my body. It comes from my truth. It’s more of ME and less of everyone else.
I used to share from “should.” I used to create because I wanted validation. I carefully counted views, likes and follows. I wanted people to see me and value what I had to say.
Now, I see myself. I value myself. Even if no one reads this. Even if no one signs up for my offerings.
Of course, when that happens (and it’s happened to me many times before) there is sadness and disappointment. I know how to create space to deeply feel those valid emotions and be with them so they can move through me organically.
But no longer am I making numbers, likes, or outward validation mean ANYTHING about me, my power, or my purpose here on this Earth. No longer am I using ANY of that as a barometer of my enoughness.
I know I am here to serve. I know I am here to hold powerful space for others to access more of theirSelves. And that begins with feeling safe, grounded, and regulated within myself and my inherent worth and value. Even when “nothing” appears to be happening on the surface. Even when there are no outward signs of validation or positive reinforcement. No matter how many likes, views, or signups there are or aren’t.
None of that matters. What truly matters to me is the joy of creating. The joy of sharing and being witnessed by others. The joy of speaking up for my truth and having hard conversations. The joy of being deeply uncomfortable. The joy of holding desires that have not yet manifested in the physical. The joy of truly embodied expression and the joy of sharing with others from the overflow.
Embodied Expression
Drop into the heart
the drum of the soul
beating beating
the delicious dance of life
The breath as your guide
The breath as your medicine
Each inhale a prayer
Each exhale an answer
Your channel opens
Your energy awakens
Your body moves
Your heart trusts
Your soul sings
YOU are creation
YOU are the medicine
You are here
for EMBODIED EXPRESSION
Embracing My Natural Hair
Say hello my natural waves 😍
I first straightened my hair when I was ten years old. I’ll never forget that moment - the moment I stopped feeling like I was enough just as I was, and I needed to instead be something else. Prettier. Neater. More perfect.
There were of course many more of those moments with my body over the years. I shrank and plucked, shaved and tweezed. But my toughest journey has been with my hair. All my life it’s been big, loud, unruly. Like me at my true essence. Too much. I’ve since straightened it or curled it every. single. day for TWENTY years of my life.
On trips, I was terrified to get my hair wet or go even a day without styling it. I would wear it in a bun, afraid to show it. Afraid to let it out of the cage of perfection.
Until a month ago when I saw a video on Instagram (thank you @sophiemariegraf) of someone who said she was embracing her natural waves. Her hair looked like mine and I stopped in my tracks. I felt ecstatic that there was another way - I could learn to love and work with my hair rather than fight it.
In December I left the house for the first time in 20 years with my natural hair down. I felt naked, exposed. And so, so f*cking FREE.
I’m on the journey to embrace my hair (and by extension, ALL of me) EXACTLY as I am. I want to work with myself as I am, not contort myself into what I think I should be. This hair journey - of learning that underneath all the bleach and heat damage is beautiful healthy hair that falls in gorgeous waves down my back. They’ve always been right here, waiting for me to find them. What a miracle.
My natural hair is not perfect and I can’t control it, but that’s what’s beautiful about it. And isn’t that life, too? It’s not perfect and I can’t control it, and that’s why it’s beautiful.
I feel more beautiful than I ever have, and so proud. Proud of myself for taking what seems like a small action and has already rippled through the rest of my life in profound ways.
Hair, I love you. Body, I love you. Thank you for holding me and walking me through this life. I am so grateful.
Tea
My beautiful teacher
You weave through me
like a gentle river
your water cleanses
your Earth grounds
your fire awakens
you find home inside me
seeping into my bones
like unspoken words
you remind me
that it’s okay to be still
it’s okay to be silent
because everything is felt
everything is known
with every drop I remember
that I was always
whole
Ready
I’m ready
Ready for more
Ready for less
Ready to meet my edges
Jagged at first
But slowly I find softness
Ease within them
Ready to release more
Ready to hold more
Ready to dance and sing more
Ready to bring more
More fire
More Earth
Less doubt
Less fear
I’m ready to step into my power
My truth, my authenticity
Ready to own my role as guide,
creator
dreamer
builder
I’m ready
Ready to receive more
than I could have dreamed